You don’t need an MBA, an 80-hour workweek, or a foundational misunderstanding of work-life balance to rock the ultimate corporate status symbol.

Welcome to the "Midtown Essentials" Collection, designed for anyone who wants to harness the aggressive, unearned confidence of a 24-year-old Private Equity analyst without actually having to build a financial model. Whether you're buying this as a gag gift for the "finance bro" in your life, or you just want to strike fear into the hearts of local baristas by loudly asking to "circle back on this oat milk latte," we’ve got you covered.

We took the sacred garments of Wall Street and turned them into highly efficient, high-yield satire. Throw on this gear to instantly boost your perceived EBITDA, aggressively leverage your weekend plans, and finally understand what it means to "take it offline." No actual deal flow required.